Welcome to my little piece of insanity!

I have managed to survive my first week of school. Not only have I worked almost 30 hours at my job, but managed to get my math homework done. I looked and felt like an utter zombie after work today. So much so that even my boss noticed. Of course most people would look zombie-ish if they hardly slept all week, worked a 10 hour day, and had homework deadlines to fret over. Thank god my boss gave me tomorrow off cuz I still got writing class homework! Not to mention Art 101: Understanding Architecture. Blarg....

Math homework is no easy task considering I'm a right brainer. It hasn't been my best subject since 8th grade, when I had the worlds worst fucking math teacher ever. Because of that bitch I was stuck in tard math in high school. Tard math meaning that I should have been in a higher class, but instead got stuck in "Applied Math" which is nothing but story problems. Needless to say I slept through most of my math class or sat in a vegetative state, staring off into space since I always got my work done in 10 minutes. The only time I felt awake was when I was called on by my teacher to put my work up on the blackboard (which was almost every fucking day). My fellow classmates consisted of stoners or complete slackers who didn't care. Of course I didn't care much either, but at least I did my work, despite how easy and boring it was.

Anyway now that I've vented that old frustration... I'm sitting here having just finished my math writing assignment (yes... a MATH writing assignment) and feeling pretty damn proud of myself. Fractions were my biggest fear since I compeltely forgot everything I learned on the subject. That happens when you spend 11 years not exercizing your brain.

When I first looked into the math book and seen the section we were to study was all about fractions... I almost cried. Thankfully my math book isn't too bad and since I'm doing my math class online, I don't have to attempt alertness during an actual math lecture. I do have 5 cd's devoted entirely to math lectures just in case I feel the sudden urge for one though. They came with my math books... Yay math lectures.

So yes... I have survived my first week of school. My boss took pity on me and I only have to work 2 days next week. Maybe I can catch up on sleep? I sure hope so.

chunky high healed shoes. You know the ones that were popular in the late 90's? I can't stand the high healed pumps that are in fashion now. They remind me of the 80's. That and when you've worn pointy toed shoes (like the boots) for awhile they end up curling up like fucking elf shoes! And the flats! Ug they make me think of this really enormous fat woman named Rita Schuster who worked at Nationwide. She wore stretch pants and these ugly white (dirty white) old flats with pointy toes. *shudder* They are not stylish. Granted I'm not the goddess of fashion myself, but at least I have my own tastes in style that aren't freaky. If I was thinner and could get away with it I'd be wearing some of the sexier clothes out there for women. I know they say no mini skirts after 30, but fuck that. I'm not 30 yet. And who made that rule? Sure if your ass sags down to your knees and you have kankles then you shouldn't wear them, but I have neither of those. I just don't understand why some things are "in" right now...

Another thing that bugs me are those boots that look like some retarded kid from a third world country getting paid 3 cents an hour made them. You know the ones. I think they call them lugs or something. FUCKING UGLY! If I wanted my feet to look like a club foot I'd wear those shoes for the effect. And what is up with boots that have big dangly fuz ball things on them? Why don't you just bring back the Moon Boots. You know like from Napoleon Dynamite. Hell bring back hammer pants while you're at it. At least then you won't see so many guys with their ass cracks hanging out. They could still get that "crotch at the knees" walk without me having to see their sometimes shit stained undies. Nothing funnier than a gangsta wannabe bunny hopping up stairs because their pants aren't pulled up over their fucking ass.

Gawd I hate clothes shopping now...

So yeah I found out I have gallstones in my gall bladder or however the hell you spell that fucking organ name, and the pain is driving me insane. I can't have the surgery just yet as the doctor wants me to lose more weight to help reduce the complications. That and I don't want a big ass scar either, or be laid up in the hospital for days. Especially around the holidays. With my luck I'd end up having surgery on my birthday.

So yeah I'm sitting here sippin' some NOG... since its that time of year. I figure what the fuck. Everything I seem to eat no matter how low fat or good for me upsets my stomach and causes pain. I might as well have some Nog. (I really like that word. NOG! Hehe... Nog) Hell even salad screwed me the other night. Today for my lunch break at work I had one of those Smart Ones microwavable low fat dinner things. 7 small ravioli in a spinach and tomato sauce. You'd think that would be ok being low fat and having vegetable goodness... Nope. Pain about an hour later. I think I'm just screwed in general. So I'm gonna pop a vicadin and try and study while stoned for my math placement test. Yay vicadin!

Otherwise there isn't much going on in my life. I'm pretty boring now actually. Sad... I look back at when I was in my early 20's (Gah! I'm almost 30!) and remember going out all the time and the parties.. and now I pretty much am happy to sit home with Steve (who likes being antisocial lol) and watch movies or play video games. Granted I am way happier now than I was then, despite gut wrenching pain barely subdued by prescription pain killers. Maybe its the regular sex? I do remember being extremely frustrated then. Self love is nice and all, but not a substitute for good ol' sex.

Ok I think I'll stop writing now.

Well things are going ok I suppose. I've been a stress monkey because of work and can't stop worrying about things. Thursday was so bad I had an anxiety attack all night basically. On a good note I did get a call on Thursday from trimet, and I start July 9th. Now its just a matter of about 2 weeks before I'm done with shitty fucking laidlaw. I can't wait.

I missed the last 2 days of the gym, but it was sorta beyond my control. My thursday route had 6 chairs. 2 sets of 3 crammed on at once, and the bus seat was broken down to boot. Long story short, I ended up hurting my back from dealing with the chairs and the crooked bus seat. I woke up Friday in so much pain I was actually crying. I have a very high pain tolerance, so when pain makes ME cry... its major pain. So instead of earning money at work, I was stuck sitting on a heating pad on high alternating with a bag of peas to try and get the muscle spasms to stop. They eventually did... about 6 hours later. Needless to say I was a wreck emotionally and physically. It was not fun and the day dragged on and on.

Today we went to lunch with J.P. and Stephanie. Their two boys are cute as hell. It was nice to get out of the house and socialize. We need to do more stuff like that I think.

After that we got hair cuts. I hadn't had my hair trimmed in well over 6 months... hell I think its been 8 or 9. The ends needed trimmed off badly. Other than that the only plan for us now is to go to the gym. I'm restricted to walking on the treadmill only. I'm too worried about hurting myself doing weights. Maybe in a couple more days I can get back to the weight machines. We'll have to see.

Well its been a long time since I've updated my LJ. I've been busy dealing with depression and anxiety and being stuck on new meds for that. Work sucks as usual and I'm going in for an interview with Trimet tomorrow. I really hope I get that job. *sigh*


Anyway this last weekend was the big family camping trip to East Lake. Its at the Newberry Crater National Volcanic Monument near LaPine, Oregon. Really cool place to camp and fish. I didn't get in as much fishing as I would have liked, but I did catch one decent sized rainbow trout. It was good fishing on Saturday, but Sunday sucked because there was a lot of wind and the lake was too choppy for trolling.... which was the best way to catch the big ones.

Anyway it was fun because Teresa and her daughter went with us. So it was my parents, me, Steve, Teresa, Hailey, my brother and his 2 girls Mallory and Maegan. They are 3 1/2 and 2 1/2. They kept us on our toes and well entertained most of the time.

When we weren't freezing our asses off at night (it was 28 degrees monday morning when we got up!)
we were having fun fishing, lounging around, getting drunk, and of course eating good camp food.

Hopefully we can do more camping soon. I really love being out in the woods. Especially at a place as beautiful as East lake.

I would just like to let everyone know that for some fucked up reason I want mashed potatoes with gravy. No particular reason I should be craving this... I just am.


Yes I am weird.


Other than that there isn't much going on in my life. I hate my job and want to quit. Its so damn stressful that I pretty much gave myself an anxiety attack this morning and called in sick. I'm sure that pleased them, but frankly I couldn't give a shit. I've stopped worrying what they think since they could care less what I think or feel. The bids came out yesterday and I'm not even going to bother filling mine out. Even if I fill out all the routes I'd love to have, I won't get a full time one... and frankly I don't think working full time there is worth losing my sanity anyway. Besides I'm not that much of an ass kisser. Pretty much I've just stopped caring.

Yes I'm in a depressed mood.


Now I'm gonna go make soup.

Things have been going sorta ok lately. Work sucks, but hey... its work. Hopefully I'll get the new job over at Tri-met that I applied for. I pray to the new job gods!

Anyway yesterday I got ahold of my best friend who I've not talked to in a couple years. (yes yes... I know I'm a loser) I still can't believe we were on the phone for over 4 hours. And the cool part about it is now I feel like that other piece I was missing in my life is back. Friends are important and once you find a gem of a friend you have to hang onto them. I'm so not going to let depression make me a hermit again. No more distancing myself from the world.

Steve and I had our 1 year anniversary on March 14th. I was sick and getting over a sinus infection not to mention not sleeping at all (I think I had 3 hours of sleep the night before AND I had to go to the doctor in the morning of our day) so it wasn't as fun as I wanted it to be. We didn't even get to have anniversary sex. (Pout) We did have a nice dinner on the Sandy river though. That was cool. Mmmm...steak.

Good news though at least job wise for one of us. Steve got a new job that pays almost twice what he makes now. *Happy dance!* So now we can actually afford to do the whole get engaged and married thing sooner rather than never. Plus we can move out of our hovel apartment and get into something a tad bigger. With a fucking kitchen that isn't the size of a closet. ... that also has a dishwasher. You would not believe the meals I can cook in this kitchen if you saw it. I litteraly have 3 sq ft of counter space and that is IT. And that's being generous.

So that's what's up recently. Not very exciting, but then I'm not sure I'd want too much excitement in my life at the moment.

Its been such a stormy, gloomy, cold, boring weekend... but honestly I like it. There isn't much to get done, so I don't have to feel guilty for lounging around half naked, watching tv and playing video games. About the only really strenuous thing I did yesterday was all the dishes. Some of which were the larger pots that stacked up. I can't wait to have a dishwasher again. Washing dishes by hand gets old fast. Then after I got the kitchen all clean... I dirtied more dishes making homemade turkey noodle soup. I had to get the measurements down so I could write the recipe and put it in my cookbook. The task that seemed small at first is now turning into a major endeavor. I have more recipes than I ever imagined and a lot of them are my own creations. Like the turkey soup, which turned out totally tasty by the way. Not to mention healthy and vegetable packed. Steve really liked it. He's a broth soup freak.

Today I have no plans except some grocery shopping. We need TP... and milk among a few other things. House cleaning is on the list as well, but vacuuming and dusting aren't hard. *yawn* That's about all I got going for right now. I told you it was a boring weekend. :)

I'm cooking bacon. And for those who know me well... no I'm not doing it in the nude. I've learned my lesson thank you. :)


I've been up since 5:30am. On a freakin' Sunday no less. Steve my sweety had to go into work to do some work on servers, so once his alarm went off it was all she wrote on my happy sleep time unfortunately. I did attempt sleep after he left, but some fucking asshat outside decided it was a great idea to make noise before 6am. Thank you, you fucking fuck.

This weekend I've actually accomplished a lot. Got a shitload of stuff packed up from my old place and stored over at my parents in their barn. Plus got to drive around in the nice weather yesterday. Steve and I did some couch shopping since the love seat we have sucks donkey anus. Today I go my shopping out of the way before the plague of breeders and their demon offspring flooded Winco. It only took me 30 minutes to shop and check out. That included packing my own groceries. I think it was a new record. What a difference it makes when you can go shopping without fuckheads standing in the aisle while their screaming brats run around like rabid weasels.

So now I'm cooking breakfast for my sweety. Hopefully he'll be home soon. Then all I have to do is vacuum, mop, and take a nap I think. Otherwise the only thing I'm planning on doing today is work on my cookbook. Its actually coming along nicely. Its sorta scary that a good portion of the recipes in it are my own creations. Now I gotta think of a name to call it... *blink*

Its been awhile since I've posted in my LJ. Mostly because I've been busy, sometimes depressed, or just forgot.

Today I feel weird. For some reason unknown to me I just started crying after Steve left for work. I felt horrible, like something bad was happening that I had no control over. This was about 30 minutes ago and now I feel a tad bit better. Hormones maybe? Meds? Who knows. Maybe its the built up frustration I've had for months now. I need to let go more often, but it just doesn't seem like I can. Now that I've been on the metformin for my diabetes the lethargy is mostly gone, but I feel emotionally drained when I get home from work. Last night I had to force myself to cook dinner. It just felt like too much effort. All I wanted to do was go to bed honestly. It wasn't that my body itself was tired, though I did have a lot of aches and pains going on. I just wanted to shut my brain down for awhile. That and I was feeling very needy, but I don't want to make a habit of that. I know Steve needs his veg time.

Maybe its because Valentine's day is around the corner and its always been a horrible time for me. The pessimist in me believes that its going to suck hardcore despite being in a really great relationship. We both know that because of our paydays V day will be celebrated on the weekend, but I feel horrible that I can't get Steve something on the day itself. I wanted to send him some flowers at work since I know he's never had that, but yeah. I won't have the money till the Friday after. And even then it will be too late to do the flowers at work thing. So hopefully I can cook us a nice romantic dinner at home with candles and stuff. I just want romance, but honestly I'm not sure what to plan to do that would be appropriate on the budget I have for it. *sigh*

I guess its a good thing, but my jeans are now baggier than before. Even the ones that are stiff and fit tight after they are washed are looser now. The one pair is so loose in fact that they only fit decently right after they are out of the dryer. Then they feel super baggy around my butt especially. When I bought them they were actually snug all the time. I haven't been going to the gym lately either so its probably the metformin doing its thing to keep my blood sugar regulated. Though I have done a pretty good job of that myself by eating more regularly and a lot smaller amounts.

Its hard to keep motivated though. I want to go to the gym, but lately it seems that I keep having problems. Lately its been my left big toe. Its all swollen after I stubbed it really hard the other day. I guess an ingrown toenail is the culprit. It hurts to walk on it and after work its all angry and very sore. Then the week before last I felt like I was fighting off a cold or flu or something. My body was aching especially in my neck and shoulders and I had a slight sore throat and a cough. Steve was a lot more sick than me though so I didn't have my gym buddy. This week its my toe and his knees are sore from helping my Dad with the gazebo that's going over their hot tub. I know...excuses. Hopefully after work my foot will feel better. I did a little self doctoring on my toe and hopefully got the nail out that was irritating my toe. It feels better now. My gym shoes sorta pinch my toes since they aren't very wide, but if my toe is not swollen then I can hit the gym and hopefully not fuck it up more.

Not ice... not freezing rain. FUCKING SNOW!...


But with my luck it will just stay wet all day and freeze tonight with no snow. I hate driving in ice. Snow is easy... ice sucks donkey balls with a side of fromunda cheese. I just hope I don't get stuck at work tonight after my shift.

Blarg I don't want to go to work today.

So its Sunday and I'm sitting here listening to the wind rattle shit on Steve's apartment building. Gotta love old construction.

This weekend has been pretty uneventful. Which is probably a good thing. I don't need more drama in my life right now. Yesterday we went and had lunch at El Indio with Kes, then hit walmart. I loathe walmart, but hey when you're broke and need shampoo and conditioner for cheap... well you get the idea. Plus its by Kes's house. I've been worried about Kes since he's had his small stroke. Luckily he's being proactive and going to his doctor. They got him on some blood pressure meds (same shit I'm on for my veins... go figure) and he's thinking more about his eating habits and even aware he may need to quit smoking. That is the one thing I hope he does asap, but it will be a really hard battle for him.

Yesterday was a generally good day. I got to snuggle with Steve a lot which almost always puts me in a better if not great mood. After going to the gym we ended up vegging on Stargate SG1 episodes we got on netflix. Both of us are sorta hooked on the show now. We're such geeks, but I'm still in denial.

Anyway... time to take the meds and maybe veg on the Sims 2 while I wait for Steve to wake up. He's so cute when he stumbles out all bleary eyed. If you ask him a question he usually isn't awake enough to be coherent. Its just so damn cute. Makes me think bear in hybernation.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I felt ok this morning... felt good actually. My route didn't go too bad considering over half the people I was supposed to transport either cancelled, no showed, or were transfered to another route. So it wasn't that... The drive home was fucking horrible. Some asshole swerved into my lane and almost hit me as I was passing him going to the ross island bridge. He didn't turn on his signal just swerved over. So I honked and slammed on my brakes. He got in front of me then stopped dead in the middle of the lane, got half out of his car and started to yell at me and gesture like he was gonna come kick my ass. Being pissed and having an adrenaline rush from the almost accident I flipped him off. He got back in his car then started to get out again like he was really gonna come after me. I held up my cell phone and shook my head. If that mother fucker would have gotten out I would have called 911 and turned his ass in for road rage. I was almost wishing he had tried to attack me. Maybe I'd feel better now and released some pent up anger or something.

To the driver of the toyota 4-runner with license plate number JQF 712... Fuck you up the ass with a shotgun.

By the time I got to Tigard my blood sugar was tanking. I was feeling sorta sick to my stomach when I left for work so I didn't take a lunch to eat before my route. Breakfast was at like 9am so the snack I had at 3:30pm didn't do me much good. It took 45 minutes for me to even get home. So I stopped at Taco Hell to get some nachos. I know dinner won't be till late since its not even 7 yet and Steve doesn't get home till then. So now I'm sitting here eating my nachos somewhat... they don't really taste good.. its just food that was cheap that I didn't have to prepare. I get on the computer to veg for awhile and find a note telling me that Steve is going on a sorta camping trip in a couple weeks. Well that isn't the greatest news cuz it always sucks when he's gone for a couple days. This will be like 4 days. *sigh* That wasn't what made me upset though. He's got obligations and all that... sure it sucks I'll be stuck here bored due to being broke as a joke of course... but when I told him that he at least got to get out of town while I was stuck home bored the comment he made really just hit a sensitive spot. It was litteraly to the word of what my ex used to say to me when I'd be upset he'd be annoyed that I was bored and wanted to go do something. He'd sit on his ass content to play on the computer for hours and days on end, barely acknowledging me. The way he'd get all pissy at me because I wanted to do something with the person I "loved" really hurt... so having heard that for the first time in a long time it just opened up a bunch of really shitty memories I didn't need tonight. So of course I start crying because there just seems no other way to vent right now. I'm just really fucking sick of crying and being emotional.

and now I've probably ruined the rest of the night... I want to break something so bad... or get in a fight. Sometimes I wonder if I should just be alone and not date anyone. I always seem to fuck shit up somehow...

Holy shitballs! Back to back posts! I must be sick...

No actually I'm just bored. Today I actually feel good despite not sleeping all that well. I did manage to go to the gym last night. Of course there was the "New Years Resolution" crowd to deal with. Most of those people will be gone in 2 weeks so I'm not too worried about it. Some of the buff head fucks in there probably think I'm one of those people, but hey that's the first time I've seen their asses in there in the 2 months I've been going at night. They can suck my fat firmer ass. :) Why the one asshat in the do-rag kept staring at me I don't know. I'd feel like someone was staring... and when I'd look up... yep there he was staring. I know he wasn't staring at my tits. The bra I wear to the gym is one that "Minimizes" them so they don't look so gianormous. (That could just be my perception though. I never really feel my tits are all that big, then once in awhile someone tells me I'm dillusional. Ack!) Its like he hadn't seen a fat chick on a fucking treadmill before. Or a fat chick lifting weights. Yeah I can do 75 on that one machine easily you asshole. So stop fucking staring and go back to your flexing in the mirrors.


*cough* Ok now that I got that out of my system... I've lost 5lbs since the last time I weighed myself about 2 weeks ago almost. Granted most of that is probably monthly girl thing weight. For some fucked up reason I didn't have a period last month. No I'm not el prego. I finally had one this month (luckily) and I had taken 2 pregnancy tests both coming back negative. The doctor said it can happen occasionally on birth control. It just sucks because when I do finally have a cycle I get cramps really fucking bad. I don't like cramps. Ick... Now that I've gotten my mind back in the right space I feel more confident about losing more weight so I can get off the damn diabetes drugs. I've been doing well on my eating schedule. I've not gone so long that my blood sugar is tanking like it used to at night after work. Though Tuesday night it happened only because my route was extended and I didn't bring a 2nd snack. You can bet I'm going to prevent THAT from happening again. It really does suck to have your blood sugar get uber low.

Well speaking of snackage I need to go pack a couple for work and head out soon. Thank god today is a short day. After getting stuck on a dead end driveway up a hill in the dark, with a drop off on one side and parked cars on the other UG!... Yesterday was just a bad day work wise. To top it all off I had to wait 45 minutes for a supervisor to help me back out the bus onto the main street up on Pill Hill (aka Gibbs street off of Sam Jackson Parkway... aka OHSU hill). Of course I hadn't had a break yet, but there was no place for me to pee. And boy did I have to pee. The fact that I lasted THAT long still amazes me. I made it back to the yard and logged off by 7:15 and FINALLY got to go to the restroom. Note I originally got stuck at 6pm and at that time I already knew I needed a break. While stuck up on the hill I realized it was a full moon. So that explained why everyone was driving like fucktards.

I just know there will be residual effect today and I'm so not looking forward to my shift.

Thankfully December is fucking over along with 06. I can't remember having a worse December in my life and that is saying a lot. Sure a few good things happened and Steve has been there for me for everything, but damn... There was just more bad than good.

Cell phone got put in the washing machine
felt fatigued the whole damn month almost. Like I had the flu or something
diagnosed with diabetes
diabetes pills made me sick as hell
had to miss a week of work
was told I didn't work on X-mas day when really I was supposed to, so I missed out on $20 an hour
the expense of all the meds, plus getting my license renewed at $72= poor ass mo fo
and that meant I couldn't afford to get my boyfriend anything cool for x-mas.

The poor ass mo fo part is going to bleed into this entire month since my next paycheck after health insurance will probably be like $60. Thanks to them fucking up and not paying me for Friday's shift of over 7 hours its $100 short of what it should be. Thank you... thank you very much.

I was once told that bad things always happen in threes. Well there are 7 bad things that happened so I think I should be good for awhile.

It figures though that now that I'm finally feeling better, Steve is feeling icky. Which makes me feel horrible because I don't know how to cheer him up or make him feel better. And yes I feel responsible for his "blah" feeling. I mean how could I not? Here he had to put up with my emotional freak outs and constant worrying over finances and everything else under the sun all last month. There's no way I can just not feel bad. Hopefully he'll be feeling better tomorrow. I sure hope so at least. :(

We did have fun at the Darklady party on NYE. It was not super crowded due to it being on a sunday night, but it was still fun. The 2nd DJ was questionable. The music choices he made were pretty horrible at the beginning. Kinda ruined the mood, but we managed. I think it was good for us both to get out and be somewhat social. At least it really helped my mood and overall depression. Thank you Darklady. Teehee...

Ug... I got an hour till I have to go to work, and I really don't feel like folding laundry. I think I'll go read my Anita Blake book and veg till its time to head out.

Yes right now I'm not feeling very "happy". For the first time in... well ever... I'm not alone for the Christmas season. Yet, everything seems to keep going down the proverbial shitter.

Not only do I have diabetes, but I have side effects from the medicine that the doctors say I absolutely cannot stop taking. This means that I have to take time off from work, because they don't have bathrooms on the bus. (note I don't get sick pay) Its very hard to drive when you're (to put it bluntly) having explosive liquids shooting out your ass. Sorry but there's just no nice way to put something like that. It also doesn't help when your stomach gets nauseous every afternoon. Luckily that has subsided a lot compared to Friday, but its still there.

I hate my job... I'm starting to hate my life and the way shitty things seem to always happen to me just when it finally fucking starts to go better. Its so hard to keep going when nothing seems to ever turn out remotely pleasant. I can't afford christmas now... I wasn't able to do anything really nice for my boyfriend on his birthday... I'm broke as a fucking joke and now will only be even more so. I just pray to any powers that be that I can at least afford my bills this month. So far I should be able to, but its going to be VERY tight.

There just gets to be a point where I can't handle the stress anymore. I'm getting pretty damn close to that breaking point. I catch myself staring off at nothing for long periods... and what scares me is that I just don't give a fuck that I do that. Its like my brain shuts off so I don't have to think about anything, or how shitty things are going. Right now what I really need is a good hard beating. Yes that's right. I need to be flogged till my skin turns red and I'm loopy from endorphines. Its better than the alternative when I get so fucked up I black out and cut myself. I never, ever want to get that bad again. But I feel like its spiraling towards that. Right now I just don't know how to deal with everything and I feel worse because I know I drag Steve down with me when my mood is so low. And being scared that I'm going to fuck up our relationship just makes me feel even worse. If I lost him I would seriously just stop wanting to do anything with my life.

As I sit here writing this I can feel my heart beating a bit too fast and I know my blood pressure is high. Anxiety and stress will do that to me. And then I remember that oh gee... stress and anxiety will raise my blood sugar too. I just don't know what to do with myself or how to make things better right now. I'm restless and want to do something, but there's nothing for me to do but wait.

I had to have blood drawn again today. 4 fucking vials of it. Its bad enough that I have small veins and they have to take it from my forearm... its worse when they have to take THAT much blood. Last time I didn't bruise, but this time I have a feeling I'm going to.

Why am I getting blood tests you may ask? Simple... Last Wednesday I had my lovely womanly check up thing. Gorey details can be left unsaid. I'm sure you get my drift. Anyway, my doctor wanted me to get tested for cholesterol and diabetes. I had been fasting, so it was no big deal the tests could be done (you have to not eat for at least 10 hours before getting those kinds of tests). I never thought twice about the diabetes one, mainly because I've been tested before and it always came back fine. Well Friday I was left a message to call my doctors office. No other info, just call the office. Well with my paranoid brain I immediately thought "oh shit. Cervical Cancer!"... but nope. I called Monday and its Diabetes. Supposedly my fasting blood sugar level should be 100 or less. Mine was 125 and I hadn't eaten in like 12 hours. They said I had to get tested again within a week of the last test. So... off I went to get blood drawn again this morning. There was a thyroid test and some other blood sugar stuff being run. Lucky me...

So now its the waiting game. Hopefully I'll know on Friday what's up. I'm scared about having diabetes. For one they haven't told me which kind. I'm guessing its Type 2. That means I'm insulin resistant or whatever which I was told I am at risk for because of the PCOS I have. After reading some web sites like webmd.com about diabetes and symptoms, I have a feeling the test wasn't a fluke. The whole sparkly vision thing I've been getting the last few months, and the numbness in my hands, were listed as symptoms. Not to mention all the fatigue. I've been feeling like ass lately and figured it was just because I'm fat or something. Believe me I don't want diabetes, but it would be nice to know that's why I've been feeling so off. At least then I know how to fix it or at least take care of myself better. But still... it would be better if I'm just fatigued all the time because I'm overweight. When you're fat and you go to the doctor, they tend to just blow off your weird feelings as "you're overweight"... If its because of diabetes at least then I won't just beat myself up about not having the energy to go to the gym every single night. And it would be nice to have energy enough to go to work and not feel so shitty. I stayed home today. My head hurts and whatever muscle I pulled is still spasming, which makes my neck and up into my head hurt. That and I still can't feel my fingers. That's the most disturbing. The tingly numbness is really starting to get annoying.

On a good note.. I have lost another 1/2" around my waist. I finally measured again today. It had been over 2 weeks since I last measured. I didn't think I'd lose anything since I have flaked on going to the gym since Thursday and didn't eat well this last weekend. But nope... my new jeans were not lying. They fit a lot looser than when I bought them 2 weeks ago. Happy dance for me...

Since our birthdays are only 6 days apart, Steve and I decided to celebrate this weekend. Its hard to get people to go out around the x-mas season, with so many people having company parties, the flu, shopping to do etc etc, so it ended up just being Steve and I, and my parental units. Steve and my Dad were hell bent on getting me shitfaced. Luckily we had dinner at El Indio beforehand though so it took more than 2 drinks to get me buzzin'. We went to Harvey's Comedy Club after dinner. Its a bullshit system they have of getting seated. You have to show up an hour early to even get a seat if you don't make reservations, and then you have to wait and wait and wait to get seated. The drinks used to be way better. They've mini sized them all since the last time I was there about 6 years ago. No more huge glasses... Nope... all tiny. I think I ended up having 3 long islands, and a zombie. Of course because we were sitting and watching comedians I didn't realize I was drunk until it was time to actually move. I stood up and woohoo... it went to my head. I wasn't shitfaced unfortunately, but really nicely buzzed. It had been a couple years since I'd even gotten that intoxicated. Frankly I wish I could have gotten more drunk. If you're gonna do something, you should do it well. My mom was all giggly and stuff in the back of my car because my dad kept feeding her coffee with bailey's in it. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not when he said he was going to get her drunk so he could take advantage of her when they got home... Ok I'm not going to continue that thought any more. Ack...

Anyway short story even shorter, we had fun. The comedians were great, and it was nice to actually see my mom lighten up for once. My dad feels we should do this sorta thing more often and get more people to go. I'm all for that.

This entry in my oh so boring LJ is for Steve.


I know I don't let you know how much you mean to me enough on a daily basis. Life without seeing your smile in the morning would be miserable. Seriously... Its not just that I have someone to depend on that I know won't fuck me over that makes me love you so much... Its that I can see the sincerity in your eyes every time you look at me. If I ever take you for granted, please just kick me in the ass really hard with a golf shoe.

Never have I truly loved another person (except family but I sorta have to love them because well... they're family lol)like I love you. Yes this got all sappy and I'm sure my friends are rolling their eyes and gagging on bile reading this, but I don't care.

I love you Steve. More than anything in the world.

So this week hasn't gone the greatest. I feel like shit still... Well not now, but I did. Monday it was all I could do to finish 15 minutes on the fucking treadmill. Last week I had some sort of sinus shit going on so I was constantly feeling crap draining in my throat. Not fun in the least. Then there's the fatigue shit. Maybe I was fighting off a nasty bug, but whatever it was, I was hating life. So anyway... I wanted to quit after 5 minutes on the treadmill, and I didn't even get through all my arm and ab machines. Didn't even have the energy to do the last set on the treadmill. I just felt like ass... total ass.

Well then I went to work Tuesday. Didn't have a bad day, but it wasn't great either. Got home, felt so tired I couldn't see straight... My boyfriend looked like death warmed over from working so much OT. Long story short though, he had done laundry, but realized when I got home that my gym clothes weren't in the basket. So being nice he was gonna run down another load. He asked if he could wash my hoodie. I told him "sure"... forgetting my cellphone was in the pocket. Being male he never thought of really checking pockets, and I spaced because I normally don't put my phone in the front pocket of my hoodie. Well... my phone is el fuxor now. It just vibrates and the screen doesn't turn on. So now I get to fork out $229 to get a new one. *sigh*

But at least last night I got a good workout and don't feel like ass. Probably helped having a day off for docs appointments on Wednesday. Even managed to get shit done. Like cleaning my car out. It needed it bad.